assylem_seeker

And just to continue a little from the previous post....
It appears that Paul was also feeling the way Im feeling hundreds of years ago....
Talking abt the attitude of Christ here
"Who being in the very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on the cross!" Phil 2:6-11

Amazing. And it continues to amaze ppl years after it happens, if you just let it sink into your heart.
Imagine us as normal citizens doing something like that.
Then imagine a government official doing something like that
Now maybe a prince of the nation.
If someone in power would humble himself so much for the good of their people, wouldnt ppl be amazed? 
Now im trying to imagine our God... too large to fathom.
one day im gonna get it.

AND YES, THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING OUR PRAYER ABT THE BINTAN CHALET!!!!
and for the cheap accommodation rate at the nice chiangmai hotel!!! 
WOOHOO~

2 happy things today:
1) Im on leave for the next 2 days!!
2) I completed the SEAADE poster today!!! 

Anws, the last post was not a very pleasant one. And I promised xin to update. So thought I'd better get down to doing just that. Well, what happened was i re-did the temp crown for the pt using the luxatemp composite material that dr uy lent me. so grateful to her...colour match's more easily done with that material, but i could not control the margins as well. It felt somewhat like bouncy rubber and nothing like the hard rigid resin after set. margin appears to be able to be ripped off at the thin areas.

Ok well, the reason for this post is not the above-mentioned, as one might probably guess from the title...

One can say, I had this awakening recently, an enlightenment probably, but i think its most accurate when described this way - as a HUGE REALISATION.

What happened was, i met up with the financial planner eileen that esther recommended. It just suddenly sank it on that day how DIFFICULT it was to save up, how much TOUGHER it was to part with the money I painstakingly saved, and how darn BLESSED i am that I have no tuition fee loan to repay since my parents paid my fees in full.

Dont get me wrong, I always knew my parents were paying my fees for me. I felt thankful. But the gratefulness and shame I felt sinking into my heart that evening  was heavy. I never placed myself in my parents' shoes, never imagined how difficult it would be to part with such large sums of money in one setting, sums that took years at a time to save. My family is average, not well-to-do, my parents are savers, not high-end earners. My tuition fee loan left a huge hole in the acct, a nest my parents and esp my dad took yrs to build up. My dad because the bulk of their current savings is from his years of single income input.

When I just try to fathom that, and then I recall the way I've been treating him these past couple of months, raging a silent war against him and causing so much unhappiness, I just feel so ashamed. Soso ashamed.

Things like this have to sink into the heart before they hit you in the face.

The other HUGE REALISATION that is starting to sink in is how our God came to earth 'not to be served, but to serve'. I think its only starting to sink in because I cannot fully fathom that yet. As new degree-holders, we expect others to address us as doctors, sometimes feel upset when treated disrespectfully, even thinking thoughts like Who do they think they are? and Do they know who I am? Indignant thoughts, self-righteous thoughts, proud thoughts enter my mind sometimes. sigh.

How do I even begin to fathom how God must have felt? How he could have felt but did not even entertain the thought because He was without sin. How it must have been such a fall from glory.... how he chose to wash the feet of mere human beings who vied for the very glory he left behind for us. All in hope of being the perfect example for us. As mere human beings, how difficult it is to humble oneself and serve. To not expect glory or adoration or even respect.

So difficult.
Help me to always remember, What Would Jesus Do?

everybody knows dentistry does not often deal with issues with regard to life and death. Few emergencies lead to a death threatening situation.

but how do i face the pt whose mum feels "heartbroken" and "utterly disappointed" with the temporary crown I did for her child who is "usually a cheerful girl" . I really turned speechless. Because no matter how I try to explain myself for the ugly crown that is destroying her daughter's sweet look, I myself cannot convince myself that it is acceptable. I dont find it acceptable at all. Not at all.

Even as I heard her express her feelings and heard her regretful tone, I wondered what I could have done better. Could I have explained to her how terrible the temp crown would look like? Could I have at least attempted a colour match with the terribly opaque TRIM? Could I have warned her that she should consider postponing this procedure at least until after her A levels? I could not stop my tears from flowing down...not then while talking to her and not now.

I really feel so sorry for my pt. Be it my lack of skills, be it the limitation in the material properties, I could convince myself that this lack in aesthetics would be temporary, but I cannot cheer myself up after knowing someone was so so so disappointed in something I did.

I know what I need to do now. To try to improve the aesthetics for the pt. even if it is temporary. This is what I should concentrate on achieving instead of wallowing in regret.

mel.

never ever ever ever EVER ask a lady, any lady, whether or not she's pregnant, again.
remember, NEVER.

Saw this website that said, white lilies are at times called 'white gold' by some ppl...
and this year, i had 2 beautiful bouquets of white lilies from 2 beautiful people

in the morning of 13th may, the deliveryman came in the form of....xingni haha who came to the national library to study with me

*terrible that i cant photoshop the shadow off her face :( anyone knows how...?*
anyways, i mentioned "deliveryman" cos MANDY asked her to do this favour for her!!!! oh no...(suraj style) so touched. im so blessed with 2 wonderful friends
anws, lemme sidetrack abit. the other day in church, i was just reminded of this phrase: "2 good friends are made up of 2 good forgivers" while i was there thinking to myself, woah i must then be a good forgiver cos i have good friends! then later, i thought about the few ppl i have forgiveness problems with....then even later, i thought abt my FRIENDS/BF who dont really have any enemies in the world(the girls) or in the case of the bf, doesnt really want to let the people whom he doesnt agree with bother him the way i do. and THEN, the moment of truth came, when i asked  myself...
Then, what does it mean if my only good friends are good forgivers.....? *birds flying across in mid-air* am i the one with the problem....?!!
erm.... i need to be a better forgiver, thats all i can say.,


the white easter lily was in full bloom when it arrived...

the same lily a few days later...

next story goes, that when i (or rather waiseng) brought the lily to my dad's car...he said, "oh there's another one at home...dunno who sent"
!!!! eh so exciting.... i really didnt expect it. was like thinking, isit from pin? har....isit...must be.who else right...budden i thought it wont arrive on time!
u see, i was just acting up the other day, getting pissed off that my present from london wont arrive on time.
so anw, i reached home and was trying to find the other bouquet (eh, took some time, cos my dad placed it in my room) and i saw this

wah....the colours are so pretty and special...i thought to myself, if pin chose this, he really has taste haha (my personal opinion la)
cos i've never seen flowers matched in this manner before. yellows with purples greens and white daisies.


these white lilies are different! they're yellow inside! with dark anthers...


oh and i love these flowers that my dad thought were chrysanthemums....arent they daisies?


there's even an unopened bud!!
hmm but i must be doing something wrong with the care of the flowers, cos i've been diligently changing the water everyday but ...



*sad melody plays*
on the 10th day since its arrival,

i had to throw them away. stalks were flaccid and hollow and waterlogged and falling off!!!
am trying to salvage the daisies though


looking back, i was really so sian on my bday but these 3 people made it so special...im just so grateful.

well it didnt end on the 13th.

the next day, esther came to the library with this river island vouchers from the class people! oh im getting excited thinking abt it sitting in my drawer. but must wait until 1st...tahan!
i was esp touched cos i realised she had stayed back at city hall on 12th night after our day of studying to buy the vouchers. Then, i was already so tired...then she also looked so tired....thinking that it must be quite tiring to still have to meet up with the bf after studying during the exams period. but, it was to get the vouchers for me :( and esther feel sick the next day....over tired already.
eh i dont have any nice photos of esther and me, and the threesome ones we took during gpm is with them . :(

after i received the bouquet from pin on the 13th, i really honestly thought that was my portion of present! was VERY happy cos it was a genuine surprise.haha
however....another one was in store. actually, the saturday delivery wouldnt have surprised me if i didnt get the flowers on the 13th. it was cos i didnt expect another! this time, i answered the doorbell :D

GOT BIG PACKAGE.haha what a surprise...so these came in the mail


love the sweater...!!! abit tight but  i still squeezed into it for the duration of the exams and now i think they fit.
the tshirt's cute...but i seriously wont be caught dead wearing it hahah...pin i know u bought it for fun right. RIGHT?
maple syrup sweets....i was looking at it and thinking how cariogenic it is.100% fermentable carbos but its consistency is not sticky so shouldnt be too bad....anw i succumbed.
and the cap.which looked really weird lying on the table.but looks quite ok on the head.i think.
and some slippers which are waaay too small for my huge feet :(

then the horrible week of exams crawled by...and we survived to make it to 22nd friday, my birthday! haha.
Reasons being:
1) last day of papers
2) caught wolverine with xingni esther samuel and mario
3) got my 3rd precious moments figurine from xingni!!!!

oh mannnn. i LOVE it so much. keep staring and smiling at it.(although i shouldnt, cos, "its not a living thing. not even alive before")

TA DAH!!!
so memorable too. dentistry 2009...what a tough year...i think abt it i can cry

my other 2 older figurines:

this one's other half is with mandy...

this one was my birthday present from my family which i picked. cos i wanted one so badly..

its like depicting the growing up stages of a girl..... of me.....

THANKS XINGNI!! i know this sounds super teenagerish..but,
I HEART<3 YOU!!

this entry is turning out to be super long...and all about a few very special people.
now lets steer it in the direction of a very special activity - studying.
studying, made manageable because this year, i had the company of friends :)
some pictures to help me remember:


playing with mini m&ms while studying. esther's signature,  by me.haha

notes...blah

my late night/ early morning spot.


ohoh! and i managed to freak xingni out by doing this to the piglet head i hung on my pencil box

Me: "Wanna see what i do when i'm stressed?"
Xingni gave a super disgusted look.
haha hey i dont do that ok....i was joking....i dunno how piglet's face got stained. honestly...


finally, (FINALLY!!! this must be like the 21st time im writing the word finally this week), at ikea on the saturday before  my exams

my dad is super anal. park at the side also must park SOOO far away from the other car to prevent scratches. lol
the picture looks real hilarious. (+plus mommy's a natural model)


on the way home. (to more studying)
i have false eyelashes on again! can you tell??

yay im done with my pictorial diarrhoea.

songs that were stuck in my head for the whole period of the exams!!!

When you look me in the eyes ~ Jonas Brothers

If the heart is always searching,
Can you ever find a home?
I've been looking for that someone,
I can't make it on my own.
Dreams can't take the place of loving you,
There's gotta be a million reasons why it's true.

When you look me in the eyes,
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
When you look me in the eyes,
I catch a glimpse of heaven.
I find my paradise,
When you look me in the eyes.

How long will I be waiting,
To be with you again?
Gonna tell you that I love you,
In the best way that I can.
I can't take a day without you here,
You're the light that makes my darkness disappear.

Every day, I start to realize,
I can reach my tomorrow,
I can hold my head high,
And it's all because you're by my side.

This is our God ~ by Reuben Morgan, sung by Xingni

Your grace is enough
More than I need
At Your word, I will believe
I wait for You
Draw near again
Let Your Spirit make me new

And I will fall at Your feet
I will fall at Your feet
And I will worship You here

Your presence in me
Jesus light the way
By the power of Your word
I am redeemed
I am restored
By Your Spirit I am free

Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon that cross
Great is the love
Poured out for all
This is our God
Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Servant and King
Rescued the world
This is our God

一個像夏天 一個像秋天 ~ 范瑋琪 from xin's blog and mandy's letter with the lyrics before she left for exchange

第一次見面看你不太順眼
誰知道後來關係那麼密切
我們一個像夏天一個像秋天
卻總能把冬天變成了春天
妳拖我離開一場愛的風雪
我揹妳逃出一次夢的斷裂
遇見一個人後生命全改變
原來不是戀愛才有的情節
如果不是你我不會相信
朋友比情人還死心塌地
就算我忙戀愛 把你冷凍結冰
你也不會恨我 只是罵我幾句
如果不是你我不會確定
朋友比情人更懂得傾聽
我的弦外之音 我的有口無心
我離不開Darling更離不開你

i cant believe it....the exams are starting tomorrow! oh my gosh.......

and after like months of planning, we're finally going australia soon...God pls keep the H1N1 virus away...i wanna go! 
after years of wanting to go aust together, and unsuccessful attempts after Os or was it As....? we're finally going after Uni :D *beams*

stomach's churning.... heart's excited. its an indescribable feeling

6 more days to the start of FINALS
11 more days to wolverine: origins
16 more days to end of FINALS
21 more days to pin coming home
23 more days to australia

haha im watching wolverine on the day of my last paper (after xingni's CD1... *scary stuff*)
:) by the looks of it, i have more things to be happy abt than things that cause me to bury my head in misery.

Im so grateful for my family and cg ppl who seem to genuinely care and constantly tell me they're praying for me. and sms me.. i've been thinking, if i really end up moving in the coming months, i'll really kinda miss them. there're genuine friends there!
not forgetting the FB PEOPLE who leaves comments to my very tragic little posts. haha

O my God, pls help me through this.
I've always prayed for wisdom and strength to study. but now i feel like i really need Your grace the most
Saving grace

im beginning to dislike public hols. cos all the released school children begin roaming the streets and invading into my private spaces like the study lounge at the national lib. i've said this before and im gonna say it again...studying is becoming the new national past-time. like how rugby or soccer is in some countries. its the new cool. everyone wants to be seen at the library studying. its a public holiday and nobody goes out anymore..... they all swarm to the libraries. every single national library in singapore is swarming with kids who really wanna study!!! 
argh

secondly, its gonna be one lonesome study week. on the brighter side, (wow i still have the ability to look on the bright side...its really hormones man) its the 3rd last week before.......yay!  let the countdown begin

where shall i begin? exams. faith. fear. prayer. sleep. tired. exams! no time. promises. fulfilment? effort. results. uncertainty. unsure. limited. capacity! alone. emotional. irritable. faith. pray. joy. conflicted interests.

motivation, where are u?
start so early but still no time.

disappointment lasts for a moment... relationships last a lifetime.
just please dont give me too many of these moments.

keep tearing up these days. if my hormones are raging, why isnt my tide?

sorry pin's not here haha
who'd thought photoshopping photos would be so timeconsuming and tricky...?
now the size is wrong!
we need nice photos frm the trip ok!

another food reminder to go to The Rice table at international plaza after exams. Lunch buffet (indon food) 13.90

law and ethics:
bolam test
bolitho test
thin skull rule

wtheck

Am so glad this will be the last week i'll be booking in patients in EXACT

Really love some dresses at bonitochico but no moneyyyyy

Gotta stop stalking strangers' blogs

counting down, 28 more days...no time liao

Little Penguins begin breeding at the age of three or four. They are monogamous and remain faithful to their partner over successive years

just to remind myself...
ma maisons
italian restaurant that's super cheap in liang court
There!

School has been setback after setback...
literally being "set back" in my schedule...
I feel kinda alone in this struggle...
and back to the "just God and me" feeling
there's really no one else to turn to when the heat comes on
seriously...
im just glad i can pray this through and hopefully pray through my setbacks
please God i feel so scared
and at times so incompetent
i dunno if im not opening up or refusing to share...
but it just seems like it'll be too taxing to share with everyone
and for ppl who care, they're either too far away or stuck in this dilemma too
sigh Dear God, whom have i in heaven but You?
There is none i desire beside You
My heart and my strength they may fail
but You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever

Even in times like these when leaders disappear and the cg disintegrates,
I want so badly to just place my trust in God alone.
In God alone

I felt God's little prompting today...and felt very much encouraged by this verse that was shared during...offering time! haha...

"Now may He who supplies seed to the sower, and bread for food, supply and multiply the seed you have sown and increase the fruits of your righteousness"
2 Cor 9:10

I know its not exactly a verse that's meant to spur you to study... but it speaks to me in a different sort of way. haha! thank You!

2008 has got to be one of the BEST christmas-es i had in a long time....
And I think it has alot to do with realised prayers and spending lots of time with he-who-has-gone-away.

Pin has flown oofffffffffff!!!
)))))))))):
Next term, which is gonna be a crazy term, will be spent in battle alone. physically.
But I know I'm never really alone...cos "He will never leave you nor forsake you"
I know deep in my heart that the only constant ever in my life has always been the presence of God in my life and heart.
So I know i can be strong while pin is away...I miss you

Oh I so wish that 2009 will be an even greater year of breakthroughs in studies and relationships!
Such a sense of trepidation mixed with excitement

Time of the year for forming my year's goals!!

why so small?!!?!?
Anw photos are taken by us...nice hor (: